Where You Lead

Biting Your Tongue

When words are many, sin is not absent, but he who holds his tongue is wise.

Proverbs 10:19

It took me many years of raising my two oldest sons to finally understand the phrase, “choose your battles.” It seems that I spent quite a bit of my time in the beginning harping on my kids. Whether they had picked out mismatched clothes or were insisting on eating with their eyes closed (seriously, strange kid), I believed it was my duty as a mother to correct them and teach them the “acceptable” way.

The fact is, kids don’t learn if they never make mistakes. And kids don’t learn to think for themselves if we do all the thinking for them. Yes, we must keep them safe and step in when their decisions might be harmful. Most times, though, it’s best to let our children make mistakes and learn on their own. Sometimes, they may even find a better way and teach us something, too.

Just as our heavenly Father guides us with his Word and is always there to lift us, He also lets us make mistakes and learn from them. Once again, if we pattern our our parenting after our Father, our children will do well.

Speaking In Love

Speaking the truth in love, we will in all things grow up into Him who is the Head, this , Christ.

Ephesians 4:15

Have you ever met someone who takes pride in their honesty? You know what I mean. These are the people who proclaim proudly that they may hurt feelings but at least they’re honest. Or they call it being outspoken, confident, in-your-face. Whatever they call it, it all amounts to one thing: honesty spoken without love hurts and discourages.

As parents, we want to communicate our values and thoughts to our children, but we have to remember to do that with kindness and allow our children to see our genuine concern for them. The difference? Well, if your teen daughter is wearing inappropriate clothing, you’d be better off suggesting something more appropriate and explaining how nice she would look in something else than if you’d simply blurt out that her clothes make her look like a tramp.

I think that sometimes we parents handle situations with hurtful words because we’re afraid. We see ourselves losing control of our children and that frightens us. We see our children forming their own opinions and sometimes that doesn’t mesh with our own values. That’s a scary thought. We want to protect our kids but our fear takes over and we lash out at the very people we love so much: our kids.

The best way to allay the fear and speak honestly to our children with love, is to always trust in the Lord. Follow His way, pray that he replace our fear with faith and allow God to help us to parent. That’s the winning combination.

It’s Okay to Cry

There is a time for everything… a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time mourn and a time to dance.

Ecclesiastes 3:1,4

As parents, we make a lot of decisions about what to teach our children is appropriate and what is inappropriate. No doubt, there can be disagreement in some areas and no clear cut right or wrong. We all do the best we can.

One attitude that has bothered me for decades is the parent, often a father, who teaches a son that “men don’t cry.” Once, many years ago, I heard a father say that to his young son. I didn’t know this father and other than that statement, he seemed very loving and attentive to his son. That one comment, bothered me. I said nothing but I sure did want to step in and tell that little boy to go right ahead and cry.

Children need to learn that it’s okay to cry. In fact, children need to see their parents – both mom and dad – cry when the situation warrants it. Crying is a response to sadness or grief. Normal human emotions do not threaten anyone’s manhood; we should all feel comfortable expressing both positive and negative emotions.

God has blessed us with the ability to feel deeply. We should be grateful to Him for that. He tells us that there is a time to weep. Let’s not forget that tears are okay and let’s make sure that our children – boys as well as girls – are always comfortable enough to express their emotions with us.

A Humble Child

Whoever welcomes a little child like this in my name welcomes me.

Matthew 18:5

Whenever I read this passage, two distinct issues come to my mind. The first is a memory of my favorite priest, Fr. Harold Moore, always welcoming children of all ages at Mass. So many times mothers with children are required to sit in a sound proof room and I always wonder how Jesus would react to such segregation.

The other thought that this passage elicits is that of unwed mothers. So many Christians are pro-life and yet I’ve seen Christians react terribly to teen pregnancy. Whether it’s a parent who goes into a rage that their teen is about to become a parent or simply a friend or acquaintance whispering about the latest teen who is pregnant, it always strikes me as odd that these babies are not celebrated.

Oh, I know, pre-marital sex is not acceptable. Yet, it happens and a child is sometimes the result. That result – a child – is always a blessing. Always.

I do speak from experience. My son was just 16 when we learned his girlfriend was pregnant. It took me all of 30 seconds to break through my shock, muffle my stern lectures and say simply, “We’ll deal with it.” And we did. Now 19, my son is an excellent father although the teen romance did not last. My granddaughter is the bright spot in many of my days; I can’t imagine life without her.

We will never know why our Lord intended for that beautiful child to become a part of this family, knowing that her parents were not meant to be together. It doesn’t matter. Jesus instructed us to welcome the children into our lives. The next time you hear of a teen or any unmarried person becoming a parent, hug them. Love them. And welcome that child into the world. Celebrate!

Living Example

Take to heart all the words I have solemnly declared to you this day, so that you may command your children to obey carefully all the words of this law.

Deuteronomy 32:46

If ever you’ve been tempted to tell your children, “Do as I say, not as I do” then this is a perfect reason why you shouldn’t. God has commanded us to live the words of His law, not to simply recite them to our children.

I know I was guilty of this very attitude for a long time. I smoked cigarettes but told my kids that they must not smoke. Of course, my actions spoke louder than my words; three of my kids smoke. I have finally broken free from this addiction, with the help of the Holy Spirit, but the damage has already been done to my three oldest children. The fact is, our words don’t mean much when our actions contradict them.

When we teach our children God’s word, and instruct them to follow God’s laws, we must also make the commitment to follow those same laws. If we tell our children they must share God’s blessings then we must be willing to share as well. When we walk past a Salvation Army bell ringer or fail to place money in the basket at church, we are teaching our children that we don’t take God’s words to heart.

I’m convinced that it is better for our children to see us live God’s word and never speak of it than to hear us speak it constantly and never live it.

Hard Work!

All hard work brings a profit, but mere talk leads only to poverty.

Proverbs 14:23

I’m not sure what happened over the course of the past 40 or so years, but there has definitely been a tremendous shift in our general work ethic. I always believed that if you want something, you must work to earn it. When I look around today, I see people of all ages expecting to have all their needs and wants met without every actually working for it.

The easy thing to do is to blame the government or the schools. The tough thing is to look at how we parent. We are our children’s first teacher and we are responsible for instilling in our children a good work ethic. Handing our kids anything they want, whenever they ask, is doing them a huge disservice.

Of course, it isn’t enough to tell our kids to work hard. We really ought to be showing them, not by simply letting them watch us but by letting them work with us. Whether it’s kitchen clean up or yard work, the kids should be right by our sides, working and sweating and learning the value of a job well done. I know, sometimes it’s faster and easier to just do it ourselves. In the end, though, it isn’t about faster or easier but rather about doing right by our kids.

God is always with us to provide for our needs but He expects us to work hard, too. It’s fine to have a goal or a dream, as long as you are working toward that dream. Our kids deserve the feeling of pride that comes from hard work and accomplishment. Let’s make sure we give them that by setting the right example.

Lead With Love

The Lord is gracious and compassionate, slow to anger and rich in love.

Psalm 145:8

We’re so blessed to have a Father who guides us with love. We make the same mistakes over and over and yet He is patient and kind, even while disciplining us. Our heavenly Father is the perfect role model for how we should lead our children.

I think I’m rich in love but I know I’m not slow to anger. I have little temper explosions all day long. Others, though, are slow to anger but when they erupt, everyone runs for cover. That anger is not rich in love. I can only imagine that either of those tempers would be frightening for a child.

I need to keep in mind that my temper is mine to control. How I deal with frustrating situations or a misbehaving child is my choice, and I can choose my reaction. I must deal with my children the way that God has always dealt with me, with grace and compassion, slow to anger and rich in love.

Model Lives

Don’t let anyone look down on you because you are young, but set an example for the believers in speech, in life, in love, in faith and in purity.

1 Timothy 4:12

What a wonderful message for our children!

It seems that young people have always had to deal with older folks dismissing them because of inexperience. Just as we should hold older people in high regard, valuing the wisdom they bring to our lives and the perspective of age, we should also value our young people for their enthusiasm and tendency to dream big. All ages have so much to offer!

I admit, though, that I sometimes dismiss my own children and their opinions based solely on their lack of knowledge. Shame on me. Rather, I need to listen closely to what they have to say and find the inspiration in their words. I must encourage my children to think freely and to stand up for their beliefs as I guide them toward God’s love.

Children taught to follow our Lord can be a tremendous example to their friends and family. Our children are the future and we should rejoice when they display the best of youth to the rest of the world.

Honoring Parents

Honor your father and your mother, so that you may live long in the land the Lord your God is giving you.

Exodus 20:12

I won’t even begin to touch upon the way I treated my own parents when I was a teenager. Those are years that I’d just as soon forget. Today, though, I appreciate my parents more and more every day. I try very hard to show my own children how to respect me by setting an example with my parents.

I know that I’m very blessed. God has given two wonderful parents so honoring them is an easy task. They’re not perfect, and sometimes they can be downright frustrating, but I have learned to appreciate their really wonderful qualities while simply accepting their shortcomings as part of who they are. I often point out to my children how lucky we are to have such wonderful people in our lives. The flaws my parents have are so very minor compared to the generous, loving people they are.

I’ve known people who were not so nice and must have been quite a challenge to love. I knew a woman who was very generous but she could be very blunt, to the point of hurting feelings. Her daughter acknowledged the frustration but also mentioned once that her son learned a great deal by dealing with his grandmother. When he got a job bagging groceries, he was able to handle the grumpiest old folks because he had learned to honor and respect his own grandmother and to appreciate her generous natures, even when she was being difficult.

It is so vital that we teach our children to honor us and the best way to do that is by setting an example with our own behavior. Let’s remember to honor our parents. Let’s teach by example.

Consistency

Fathers do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord.

Ephesians 6:4

I’m not sure why Paul addresses only fathers in this passage; mothers must be careful with how they parent as well. Perhaps it has to do with authority. I’m not sure. What I do know is that parenting is a tough job.

I think the most exasperating thing for kids is inconsistency. When jumping on the furniture one day brings out video cameras and laughs, but elicits a scolding the next day, a child becomes confused. Rules and discipline should be constant.

Teaching right and wrong is a lifelong lesson. Kids need to be taught, both in words and actions, how to live according to God’s plan. As parents, we have a tremendous responsibility to make clear to our children what is expected of them and the consequences of not following through. There needs to be consistency in how we discipline our children but also consistency in our words and actions.